Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Stream of consciousness

Forgive me. I'm feeling poetic tonight.

My mind is coursing over veins and arteries as if they were a road map. I'm tracing where I know they should be on my legs, on my arms, gliding through my organs. I imagine the muscles flexing and lengthening as they move beneath my skin. Suddenly the body seems so simplified, a map on my dashboard full of familiar road names and landmarks. With each road name a flash of its beginning and end and all the in between. Then suddenly, there is an unnamed road, an unfamiliar pathway, a name with no connection to where it belongs. Where does it fit into this puzzle? I’m lost again. Surely these terms were made up by a child. Endless words, and each one stranger than the next. But in this class it’s impossible to discard answer choices based on unfamiliarity.  “There is no way that is the correct answer. I’ve studied for hours and I’ve never come across that word.” Famous. Last. Words. Anatomy is not for the faint of heart. Tonight I will sleep and dream in latin and dissected body parts with blurry unreadable labels, my gloved hands tugging at nerves and separating muscles when they’d rather be plucking the strings of my guitar or chiming knitting needles together in steady rhythm. My eyes are as tired as my aching mind. When will I be able to sleep again without guilt weighing down my blankets at night? There is much to beckon into my mind and little time to convince it to stay. I’m trying hard to keep on keeping on, to fight the good fight. Robert Frost keeps wandering into the forefront of my mind. In the midst of the fray, the whisper of a melody I used to know, his poem set to melancholy notes, “The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.” True, Robert. So very true.

Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening
                  by Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Friday, November 26, 2010

What am I thankful for?

All of this

And so much more.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Thanksgiving is a verb.

Ok so I know it's not really a verb. It's a noun, but its an action noun, and this weekend my house has been filled up with it. It's a good sweet life we're living and we should enjoy it and be thankful for it.

I used to be such a careful person. I never wanted to step on toes or upset anyone. I even went so far as to feel a little guilty when people were upset as if, in some way, I had done something wrong. (Please tell me I'm not the only one to ever do that....) I spent so much time trying to make everyone happy that I never was happy myself. Actually most of the time, the people I was trying to make happy didn't end up happy either, so we both lost. A little while ago, someone very near and dear to my heart had a cancer scare and it led me to think, as the thought of death often does, about what I am doing with my life. The answer I came up with was worrying. In many ways I'm still this way and I've been fighting it. Why is it such a struggle to be carefree, to lay down burdens but keep the work we've been given? Why is it so much easier to lay down everything and be lazy or take up everything and be miserable?

So much of my life has been wasted focusing on negativity and other people's opinions of me and what I'm doing and why they may or may not think I'm doing it. Trying to control everything only led me to focusing on all the things that were not within my control. Enough. No more. There is so much intrinsic stress in life. There is no need for any additions. Each day has enough worry of its own. This is not to say that it is ok to be careless with others feelings or only serve yourself, but it does mean that when you do something fun with the intention of being nice that the nay sayers can just go say nay to someone that cares. That someone is not going to be me.

I know my own heart and it is not to hurt anyone. If that is good enough for me, then it is good enough. As I said before, it's a good sweet life we've been given and I intend to enjoy it and be thankful for it. I may march to the beat of a different drum, but the rhythm is so upbeat. Who could keep their feet still? There are so many reasons to march on.

Waking up naturally with no alarm
Really cleaning the house
Cuddling with my husband and my sweet puppy
Hot chocolate with added marshmallows.
Fried turkey and all the fixins
Making things from scratch like doughnut holes. (epic fail) and no bake cookies (only a partial fail as I still ate 4 of them)
Hanging out with friends
Decorating a Thanksgiving table
Having two Thanksgivings with more on the horizon
Packing to go home
Listening to "One Day" by Matisyahu on repeat
and being reminded that there are so many things I have to be thankful for

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Someone else's giveaway and a boat ride.

Ok so if you know me, you know I love blogging, writing on my blog and reading the blogs of friends and strangers alike. Well today when I went to i am baker's website I thought I would click over and see what she was writing on i am mommy as well since she is a multiple blogger. It was there that I discovered she is starting another awesome blog and on this new blog she is hosting a giveaway for $500.00! Seriously, anyone could use $500.00. That would totally buy Christmas presents and buy me some awesome new shoes....er.....almost pay our rent for the month. So go leave a comment here and you will also be entered to win!

Ok now back to a more normal blog entry.  So for our anniversary we bought tickets to go for a boat ride on the Augusta Canal. Unfortunately, it rained so we postponed our ride and honestly, I completely forgot about it until the other day. I had a huge exam wednesday morning for microbiology, so as a reward, we went for our boat ride wednesday afternoon. It was so beautiful. We shared the ride with a lovely older couple. It was narrated by a wonderful knowledgeable guide and I learned a lot about Augusta history as well as some of the local wildlife.

The sky was amazing. I think I prefer cloudy skies to clear ones. They are so much more interesting.

The fall colors were so beautiful.
This photo was not edited at all. Doesn't it look like a watercolor painting?

And check out my awesomely cool husband. What a stud.

So much fun! And we had bought our tickets using the Augusta Chronicle daily deal so we only paid $12.00 total and got admission to the history museum.

Please try to ignore how tired I look.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Our Clover is growing up so fast, and is totally Korey's girl. She is perfectly sweet to me and listens well, but she and Korey just have a special bond.

She wants to be just like him.

Originally this post was going to be about going to the GA/SC fair a few weeks ago. We had a great time hanging out with sweet friends, but honestly, I don't feel very much like writing about it. I just finished taking a major practical and exam and am feeling a little foggy and more than a little exhausted. My mom and sister came to visit me friday night and left on saturday around lunch. It was all too short of a trip and I really enjoyed spending time with them both. We spent a lot of time just talking about life and how we're going to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. Those are most definitely my favorite holidays ever year. It's just left me feeling a little homesick. I miss the people and the familiarity and how comfortable I feel in my own skin. As long as I have been in dental school, it just never feels like home.

I've got a lot on my mind lately, mostly about the holidays. I keep getting reminders in the mail from Compassion about sending our adopted child money for them to buy Christmas for her. Money is tight this year so we decided that buying her Christmas would be our gift to each other this year. Don't think too highly of us. Our gift isn't very much, but it makes me feel good knowing that somewhere on the other side of the world a little girl will know that we love her and think about her and care that she has a Christmas.

The other day Korey was driving through Atlanta when he saw a young teenage boy riding his bicycle and holding onto a McDonalds bag. The boy was trying hard to pedal faster and ended up wobbling and dropping his food. Korey said that when he saw the boys face, he just looked devastated. So Korey turned the car around to give him a few dollars. When he got back to the boy, he was by the side of the road eating the food off of the ground. Korey gave the boy some money to buy more food, but it bothered him and it bothered me to hear it. This was a boy who was a teenager, the age where all you care about is being like everyone else and not being seen as uncool or poor or out of the ordinary, and this boy was eating food out of the dirt, where anyone could drive by and see him. That boy was truly hungry. Korey said to me, "We don't have a lot of money, but we are not poor enough to eat food off the ground. I just kept thinking of that Bible verse that says if you see your brother in need and are able to help him but don't, then the love of God is not in you." (paraphrase of 1st John 3:17) I am so proud of Korey for going back, for seeing someone in need and trying to meet that need, for having a loving heart, but my heart is still broken. I wonder about that boy. Will he be hungry tonight? Will someone else help him? Does someone love him and will they tell him that he is special and capable? Does he have a place to stay? I just keep reminding myself that God loves that boy and He will take care of him. The only problem with that attitude is that sometimes He doesn't. Manna doesn't always fall from Heaven. Trees don't always grow up to give us shade. So my heart is burdened. I'm not quite sure what God is doing with me, but I find myself coming back to the same thought. It's almost Christmas, and although I love tradition and presents and things, I find myself wondering what I will do for Christ for Christmas. It's His birthday and all I can think of is myself. 

I need a new tradition. 

Well, now that you're all as thoroughly burdened as I am, I guess I will show some pictures of the fair to lighten up the mood.

Let it now be known, overalls, albeit appropriate attire for a fair, may have people asking you if that cow is yours.

And if Trapper Joe didn't lighten the mood, perhaps a little peak at girls night will. We had a wine tasting/food tasting/pumpkin carving good time.

Did you get to carve a pumpkin this year?