Tuesday, June 19, 2012

There is something about death that makes you so vulnerable to the outside world. My heart is still heavy and my eyes still swell at random times during the day. I hate the timing of it all. I hate that I missed saying goodbye. I hate that it was right before father's day and I knew my dad would struggle with the loss of his father. I hate that it was Korey's first father's day and that parts of it will always have tears and a tinge of sadness. Weeks before  any of this happened, we had planned to go to brunch at a place called Flat Creek Lodge, so we went. It was a great distraction from the sadness and I was glad that it was special for Korey's first father's day. 

He even did the duck face to cheer me up. Who can look at that and not smile?

This time of my life is laced with sadness, but I'm counting my blessings in baby kicks, nursery decorating, sweet songs, and a man who was made just for me. I have no fears about how Korey will be as a daddy to our sweet little girl. He is already so good at loving a woman like me.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away

Its funny how it feels like the world should stop spinning. Just for a moment. Out of reverence. Out of grief. But it wont. It keeps turning loudly and obnoxiously, irreverent. As if he was insignificant. Strange to think that thursday morning when I was praying for him, he was already gone. 

It should feel better to hear that he is in Heaven. He has gone to be with the Lord. At least he was a Christian. He lived a long full life. Everyone keeps telling me. But it doesn't make it better. I know its wrong to feel that way, but there it is. Unchanged.

Isn't it strange how happiness can slip in and out of my day and then suddenly with one memory sadness grips my heart? It seems that all my memories have been tainted by sadness. They're fond memories, not sad. Maybe it's that all the stories that will include Pawpaw as a character have all been written. Maybe it's the loss of memories we never got to make, never will get to. He will never meet my daughter. I'll never have that picture I wanted of his hand holding hers. 
I feel better today than yesterday, but I haven't been sleeping well. I'm fine while I'm busy moving, but when my hands are still and the world is quiet, my heart is heavy. I don't think I've ever been so sad. 

After the funeral was over, we went to a hilltop and sent off lanterns and said our goodbyes, but somehow it still doesn't feel real, like he's still in Clermont and I'll see him the next time I go home. 

 I love you, Pawpaw. Happy Father's Day. 

Friday, June 8, 2012


Oh how my life has changed. I almost don't even know how to write about all that has happened. I suppose it's taken me this long to begin to process it and even now, I'm a little flustered. So...what have I been up to? Well, mainly I've been growing this sweet little thing

And to think that before this juncture of my life, I could barely successfully grow a tomato.

I am, officially 6 months pregnant. What a surprise this baby was, a sweet surprise to say the least and we couldn't be happier about it. Sometimes it's still hard for me to believe it's real. I'm going to be a mommy. The belly is growing out of control and yet, some days I don't even feel pregnant until I feel the baby moving or I try to put on my prepregnancy pants. I don't really know what else to say about it. I just can't wait to meet this little one.