I am in awe of this sweet little face.

I find myself wondering, will she really have my mouth and Korey's eyes and is that nose mine or his?..It's so hard to tell. All I know is that she is beautiful and when I lay down in my bed at night to blog or catch up on facebook, I get distracted by the miracle backlit by the screen and I wonder, how on earth will I ever get anything done again? Everything seems to take a backburner to the picture of her sweet little face

and fist 

and the way my belly bounces and sways as she wriggles inside of me. In some ways I am terrified of her coming, and in others, I can hardly stand the wait.

Half-New Years Day

My heart is still broken, but I'm on the mend. The truth is that sometimes I feel like my Pawpaw is still here, living in Clermont, sitting in his favorite chair. I forget that he's gone. The hard moments are when I think of a story that includes him, or when I think of planning the next visit, or I pass his cellphone number in my phone, or when I make the guest list for a coed baby shower and I can't include his name. Those are the moments that sting, the moments that build pressure in my chest and bring tears to my eyes. And then I feel a sweet little foot (I think it's a foot) kicking me from the inside out and I remember that I still have a lot to be thankful for which is just enough to send those tears streaming down my face. 


I am so emotional these days. 


I wonder if she will have reddish blond hair like him, or milky white, scotch irish skin.


I reread my New Years Resolution today. 


To be evergreen.


I had forgotten all about it. Funny how my resolution was to live all year long and how life has gotten in the way of it. Living on purpose is an entirely different animal than mere survival and I've not done a great job of being evergreen. I'll be the first to admit that but I'm gearing up to try again. There are so many things I want for my little girl, and one of them is to be remembered as a joyful and peaceful mother. I want her to know me as someone who is steady and full of life, even in the face of adversity, someone who is evergreen. 


What better time to learn to be peaceful than in the midst of chaos? At least, that's what I'm telling myself, because those are the circumstances I've been given. It's so easy to be discontent in this world. People who have money are happy. People who have romance and love are happy. People who are beautiful are happy. People who have extraordinary talent and intelligence are happy. People who have an "easy" life are happy. This is the message that is force fed to us every day, but it just doesn't settle as truth with me. I guess I've read too many underdog stories. I've come to believe that every day is a new battle for contentment and some days I fail miserably. Ok, most days, and some of those days, I'll admit, I hardly tried, running on autopilot. But today I'm resolving to live more purposefully daily. 


Who says that resolutions can only be made once a year? If you can have a half-birthday, certainly you can have a half new year. And who says that half new years resolution can't be the same one you made six months ago? My resolution is usually the same every year anyway, to lose weight. So I'm making my half-new years resolution and it's to lose an altogether different kind of weight. I resolve to live more purposefully, in spite of my circumstances. I resolve to stay alive even in the midst of death. I resolve to be steady and strong. I want to be evergreen. I want to live all year long. So I'm putting down my burdens of worry and stress and discontentment each day. It's hard to live with all that death upon your shoulders. I don't expect to be instantly happy and I don't expect to stop missing my Pawpaw, but I will be grateful for the time I had with him. I will be grateful for my little baby girl who is kicking so hard I can see my belly squirm. I will be grateful for the career I'm blessed to have and the husband who is such a strong support and my very best friend. And if I fail again today, I resolve to try again tomorrow. 


Happy Half New Years.

"Try to become not a man of success, but try rather to become a man of value

"

Albert Einstein 

“The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.”

 Albert Schweitzer

There is something about death that makes you so vulnerable to the outside world. My heart is still heavy and my eyes still swell at random times during the day. I hate the timing of it all. I hate that I missed saying goodbye. I hate that it was right before father's day and I knew my dad would struggle with the loss of his father. I hate that it was Korey's first father's day and that parts of it will always have tears and a tinge of sadness. Weeks before  any of this happened, we had planned to go to brunch at a place called Flat Creek Lodge, so we went. It was a great distraction from the sadness and I was glad that it was special for Korey's first father's day. 

He even did the duck face to cheer me up. Who can look at that and not smile?

This time of my life is laced with sadness, but I'm counting my blessings in baby kicks, nursery decorating, sweet songs, and a man who was made just for me. I have no fears about how Korey will be as a daddy to our sweet little girl. He is already so good at loving a woman like me.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away

Its funny how it feels like the world should stop spinning. Just for a moment. Out of reverence. Out of grief. But it wont. It keeps turning loudly and obnoxiously, irreverent. As if he was insignificant. Strange to think that thursday morning when I was praying for him, he was already gone. 

It should feel better to hear that he is in Heaven. He has gone to be with the Lord. At least he was a Christian. He lived a long full life. Everyone keeps telling me. But it doesn't make it better. I know its wrong to feel that way, but there it is. Unchanged.



Isn't it strange how happiness can slip in and out of my day and then suddenly with one memory sadness grips my heart? It seems that all my memories have been tainted by sadness. They're fond memories, not sad. Maybe it's that all the stories that will include Pawpaw as a character have all been written. Maybe it's the loss of memories we never got to make, never will get to. He will never meet my daughter. I'll never have that picture I wanted of his hand holding hers. 

I feel better today than yesterday, but I haven't been sleeping well. I'm fine while I'm busy moving, but when my hands are still and the world is quiet, my heart is heavy. I don't think I've ever been so sad. 

After the funeral was over, we went to a hilltop and sent off lanterns and said our goodbyes, but somehow it still doesn't feel real, like he's still in Clermont and I'll see him the next time I go home. 

 I love you, Pawpaw. Happy Father's Day. 

Sheesh

Oh how my life has changed. I almost don't even know how to write about all that has happened. I suppose it's taken me this long to begin to process it and even now, I'm a little flustered. So...what have I been up to? Well, mainly I've been growing this sweet little thing

And to think that before this juncture of my life, I could barely successfully grow a tomato.

I am, officially 6 months pregnant. What a surprise this baby was, a sweet surprise to say the least and we couldn't be happier about it. Sometimes it's still hard for me to believe it's real. I'm going to be a mommy. The belly is growing out of control and yet, some days I don't even feel pregnant until I feel the baby moving or I try to put on my prepregnancy pants. I don't really know what else to say about it. I just can't wait to meet this little one.

Wabi-Sabi

Another blogpost inspired by another blog. This time it's Jeremy & Kathleen. Wabi-Sabi, the title of her latest post, really grabbed me. I know she eats weird vegan food and for a second I even thought, "Silly...that's not how wasabi is spelled," but it wasn't wasabi after all.


Wabi-sabi is a japanese word and basically is the whole principle behind the movie American Beauty. (That's the movie with the video of the floating trashbag and teen angst not the apple pie and teen angst.) The most basic definition is the beauty of imperfect things. As Kathleen says in her blog,  "Wabi-sabi is my old home that makes a hobby of collecting dust and cracks. Wabi-sabi is my jacked up toes and pimple on my chin." Oh how I can relate to that. Lately, two of my favorite blogs to read for encouragement are Momastry and Enjoying the Small Things. Both are women who write about their lives with utter honesty and the wabi-sabi-ness (if that's even a word) is what always seems to encourage me. Their lives are covered up with Wabi-sabi and although I didn't really know how to express it before, it helps me to see the wabi-sabi in my own life and in myself. Not everything that is beautiful is perfect. Literature has known this for centuries, a fact of which many heros with a tragic flaw can attest. I obviously don't think of myself as a hero in any regard, but it is nice to know that my flaws can sometimes be labeled as something other than tragic. I have to admit, there have been times where things didn't work out quite as planned yet blossomed into the most beautiful times of my life. They are the times when I have seen the most growth in myself. It's the story of the underdog. Life is full of beautiful imperfections. Inside, I guess I have always known that, which is why I listened to "Comfortable" on repeat during my lonely college years. Wabi-sabi on.

Resolution

"I’m a simple girl.

That’s why I’m choosing one word for the New Year. Just one."

We Are That Family

Inspiring words from one of my favorite blogs, and they rang true with me. So I've been thinking, what to make my word for the new year? There are so many good ones to choose: Faith, hope, love, wild, free... The list goes on an on. The lines of a Switchfoot song keep playing in my head. "I want to be evergreen. I want to live all year round." So there it is 2012. 

Evergreen

Hard times and good times are surely ahead. Feast and famine. Strength and Weakness. Whatever may be in store for me, I resolve to be constant, steady as a drum. My heart craves peace and balance and I resolve to gain them both and keep them all year long. Though the world may fall around me or rejoice in perfect light, I want to be evergreen. I want to live all year round.

Farewell 2011.