Sunday, June 17, 2012

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away

Its funny how it feels like the world should stop spinning. Just for a moment. Out of reverence. Out of grief. But it wont. It keeps turning loudly and obnoxiously, irreverent. As if he was insignificant. Strange to think that thursday morning when I was praying for him, he was already gone. 

It should feel better to hear that he is in Heaven. He has gone to be with the Lord. At least he was a Christian. He lived a long full life. Everyone keeps telling me. But it doesn't make it better. I know its wrong to feel that way, but there it is. Unchanged.

Isn't it strange how happiness can slip in and out of my day and then suddenly with one memory sadness grips my heart? It seems that all my memories have been tainted by sadness. They're fond memories, not sad. Maybe it's that all the stories that will include Pawpaw as a character have all been written. Maybe it's the loss of memories we never got to make, never will get to. He will never meet my daughter. I'll never have that picture I wanted of his hand holding hers. 
I feel better today than yesterday, but I haven't been sleeping well. I'm fine while I'm busy moving, but when my hands are still and the world is quiet, my heart is heavy. I don't think I've ever been so sad. 

After the funeral was over, we went to a hilltop and sent off lanterns and said our goodbyes, but somehow it still doesn't feel real, like he's still in Clermont and I'll see him the next time I go home. 

 I love you, Pawpaw. Happy Father's Day. 

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